Randomn Bits

I like knowing that I have control over my life. For example, I like having extra safety pins or an extra shirt or worst comes to worst, extra slippers in my bag just in case I might need it. I like knowing that I know it's there and that I don't have to panic when there's an emergency. Call me paranoid or call me chaos. Who cares. It's in my bag, not yours. Though for someone who knows me for quite some time knows that my bag can be a bit of a mess. Ok, screw the bit. A total mess it is.

Speaking of messes, I am too generally a mess. I'm a mess when it comes to growing up because I'm scared to let go. I'm scared of letting go of my family, my youth and myself. I'm scared things won't work out because I expect too much out of myself. I expect to live comfortably, having a career that I love and I expect to have lived my life to the fullest by the time I reach 30. But in our Malay society, we are expected to get married before we hit 30. So how can I expect myself to go out and experience the wonderful and exotic things that the world has to offer with me having to juggle between my husband, kids and career?

I can't be in Cabo and party, drink and dance with a handsome stranger when my husband is feeding my lonely baby at home. I can't go bungee jumping in New Zealand without worrying that if I die, who's gonna take care of my f
amily back home? So you're saying that just get married after I've experienced everything, right? Wrong. I do still want to get married and not be left out and not be an old virgin aka 'anak dara tua' as you people call it. You see. I keep thinking about all this at the tender age of 20. I know I'm too young too worry too much but there's no denying life. There's too many things I haven't get the chance to get my hands on. Sue me for wanting to stay 20. Another thing about growing up that scares me is that I don't have any control over it. Damn.

I just realized. This makes me a control freak kan? Ohh
. Now that's messed up.

-- I even like taking control over my cats. Goddd.


psychokiddo said...

hahaha. chill girl. you'll be FINE and you'll have the life that you want, i mean, not the fairy tale you want lah, tuh demanding sgt! :P tapi something near that :P heh!

ruz said...

i took that pic! ;)